For me to finally be motivated? How many shows do I need to watch? How many magazines do I need to buy? How many books do I need to read? When will it click for me?
I am miserable in my own skin. I can't stand what I am doing to my self and my family. I just want to be healthy. I am tired of being the fat one. I hate clothes because of the fat. I am even more anti-social because of the fat. I don't have friends because of the fat. Well I am just me and that is why I am anti-social. I care what people think about me that's why I have no friends. Cause if I don't have any friends then I don't have to be concerned with what they think of me.
What will it take for me to get off my ass? What will it take to stop the intake? When will it be my time? Were is my rock bottom? Am I there yet? Cause I can't see the bottom but I am sure tired of the fall.
I am not writing and posting this to get an response. I don't want one. I just need to get it out. Maybe this will be my therapy. Telling people without actually telling people. The actuality that nobody will ever read it but the possibility that someone may. Knowing that my frustrations are out there in type. Not just rattling around in my brain frustrating me even more.
I know one day something will change. It did for my Mom. She changed, she made it work and I am so proud of her for it. I never knew or appreciated what she did and went through till now, when I am struggling.
Now here it is 2am and I am laying in bed crying. They are mostly tears of happiness cause I am getting this out but mixed in are some tears of fear.
Please if you read this take it in. Reflect on it then put it out of your mind. Don't think this is a cry for help. It is only a step on my path to self help. I need to do this for myself. I need to figure it out myself, that is the only way to learn the lessons that I need to learn. Please don't treat me any different then before. Right now I am the same women. Right now but not forever.
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1 comment:
Remember that we LOVE you.....I hear what you are saying and know what you are going through.
It is not an easy path and the first step is the worst... after that it gets easier.
I remember that day so long ago when I looked at a picture and said 'how did my sister get into that group', then I realise it was ME!! OMG!! Apr 10,1991 was the day and joining TOPS was the best thing I did to help me with my weight. Each person has a different reason but the funniest thing is your reasons are the same as mine (Like mother, like daughter). You are right to write about your feelings and 'get it off your chest'. Start living for YOU! Set rules for you and do what you need to do to make you happy... those that want to be a part of your life will step and help you and those that don't it might not have been you're' friend to begin with... don't let them change your mind.. Your happiness is what counts and anytime you choose health over unhappiness you are the winner. This is a big step but I will help anyway I can.... Love you!! XOXOXOXOX .... Mom
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